Two Thrills for the Price of Two

Dr. Sam Beckett flies through a cloud-filled sky at incredible speed, naked and encompassed in a blue light.

Finally, he finds himself in a small one bedroom apartment. It smells like long unwashed laundry and Kraft macaroni that's been sitting around in plates for weeks, rock hard and crusty. On the wall is a dusty, slightly tattered poster for the program Quantum Leap, hung crookedly. Sam scratches his head, confused.

Suddenly, Rear Admiral Al Calavicci, the hologram guide, materializes.

AL THE HOLOGRAM: Hello, Sam.

SAM BECKETT: Al, I'm glad to see you! Who's body am I in this time? What's the story with this guy?

AL: Well Sam, you're Scott Bakula.

Dr. Sam Beckett tries to put his hand over the boom mike to talk to Al, but finds none there.

SAM BECKETT: (slightly confused) Jesus Dean! You're breaking character! Don't call me Scott. It's Sam. Sam! Cut!

AL: Who are you yelling for? I'm afraid this is all too painfully real.

SAM BECKETT: What do you mean?

AL: Sam, you inhabit the body of one Scott Bakula. The year is 2004. And it's not looking good.

"Sam" breaks character. He is now Scott Bakula.

SCOTT BAKULA: (lip trembling) Whaddaya mean?

AL: It's not 1989 anymore. A lot has changed in the world.

SCOTT BAKULA: (in denial) Oh yeah? Who won the World Series last year?

AL: The Florida Marlins.

SCOTT BAKULA: (using his hands as window wipers over his eyes) WHAAAA????

AL: Listen. It's 2004. Quantum Leap is long gone.

SCOTT BAKULA: But our ratings...

AL: It's fucking dead. Deal with it.

SCOTT BAKULA: How about the movies?? Am I making movies now??

AL: No. The last part you got in a theatre-released movie was a small role as a cop in some piece of shit called Life As A House.

SCOTT BAKULA: Well, am I getting any work?

There's a knock at the door.

AL: Why don't you ask your landlord?

Al disappears.

Scott opens the door.

LANDLORD: Tell you what, Bakula. You were in Necessary Roughness, right?

SCOTT: Yeah.

LANDLORD: If you lay down them roach traps in the basement like I told you, and if you get me Sinbad's contact info, you can stay for another month. I have a script I wanna have him read. Get this: he's a black man with attitude at a snooty butler school! But Bakula, if you don't come through, you're out on your ass!

Landlord begins to leave, but turns for a moment.

LANDLORD: And no recurring role on Murphy Brown will save you now.

The landlord leaves. Al reappears.

AL: See?

SCOTT: How could this happen? Everything was going so well. What was my last project?

AL: You were in a movie called Role of a Lifetime in 2001. The plot is a has-been actor drops from public view and is presumed dead. When Hollywood decides to make a movie about his life, he decides to make a comeback by assuming another identity.

SCOTT: Three years ago?? How'd it do?

AL: Actually, it went straight to video, with an average rating of "terrible".

SCOTT: What do I DO all day???

AL: You don't want to know. Let's just say you tried out for a commercial as Bakula the Spatula. And they didn't bite. That was eighteen months ago.

SCOTT: Fuck! I wanna Quantum Leap outta this place. Take me back to the days of Mercy Mission: The Rescue of Flight 771! When's the last time I made a fucking public appearance?!?

AL: You were on The Wayne Brady Show for an appearance last February, actually.

SCOTT: Great. Maybe I can build on that, like regular guest gigs or something!

AL: It was canceled.

SCOTT: (yelling towards the skies) QUANTUM LEAP!
[andreimarko@hotmail.com]