Two Thrills for the Price of Two

[Although it has never actually happened, and I could quite possibly be heartbroken by the results, you can review this site (relatively) anonymously by clicking on the "Blogarama" link on the sidebar.]

ACCOUNT REP: Yeah?

DOUG FINLEY: Hello?

ACCOUNT REP: Yeah?

DOUG FINLEY: Um, is this Keytile, Inc.?

ACCOUNT REP: YES.

DOUG FINLEY: Hi, uh, my name is Douglas Finley, and I...

ACCOUNT REP: Service number.

DOUG FINLEY: Excuse me?

ACCOUNT REP: Give me your service number.

DOUG FINLEY: Oh, sorry. Just a sec. Okay, it's 2214-853-4312...

ACCOUNT REP: Give me your service number, sir! That's your account number.

DOUG FINLEY: Sorry. Ok, I think this is it--000-21-4323-XEW-54...

ACCOUNT REP: That's your personal identification code! Don't you know the X stands for "FINLEY", the E stands for male, and the W stands for W. I need your service number!

DOUG FINLEY: I don't see any other number here.

ACCOUNT REP: You don't see another number?

DOUG FINLEY: No. Jesus! You're being really rude to me here...

ACCOUNT REP: Sir, what does it say next to the second line?

DOUG FINLEY: It says Account Function Divider...

ACCOUNT REP: No, that's on top of the line! I said next to the line!

DOUG FINLEY: Would you mind changing your tone?

ACCOUNT REP: What does it say next to the second line?

DOUG FINLEY: Oh. It says 65342342352...

ACCOUNT REP: NO! That's to the side of it. I said next to it, below!

DOUG FINLEY: Below?

ACCOUNT REP: No!!!! Next/Below!!!!

DOUG FINLEY: Would you mind transferring me to your supervisor? Immediately?

ACCOUNT REP: One moment, sir.

SUPERVISOR: May I help you, madam?

DOUG FINLEY: Hi, my name is Douglas Finley.

SUPERVISOR: Ma'am, calm down. I have children to feed.

DOUG FINLEY: I'm perfectly calm. I want to register a complaint...

SUPERVISOR: Whoa! Hold up there. We'll get to that. First I want to hear you say you recognize the fact that I have kids to feed.

DOUG FINLEY: Huh?

SUPERVISOR: Recognize it.

DOUG FINLEY: Ok, I recognize it.

SUPERVISOR: Sure, that's easy for you to say! But do you sympathize with it?

DOUG FINLEY: Excuse me, sir, could we...

SUPERVISOR: You have no idea the responsibilities of being a #1 Grandpa.

DOUG FINLEY: Sir, the account rep I talked to...

SUPERVISOR: Call me #1 Grandpa.

DOUG FINLEY: Uh...

SUPERVISOR: Actually, call me Fuhrer of Grandpas.

DOUG FINLEY: (sighs) Fuhrer of Grandpas, one of your account reps was extraordinarily rude to me.

SUPERVISOR: Listen, miss. We need to all take a deep breath here and remember we're all on the same side. If we start throwing around accusations about who's an accounts rep, and who's "extraordinarily", and who's "to me", then the terrorists win.

DOUG FINLEY: She was very cross, and wasn't making any effort to clarify some very real questions I had...

SUPERVISOR: What was her ID number?

DOUG FINLEY: How should I know?

SUPERVISOR: I can't process a complaint without an ID Number, Employee Number, and Quadrant ID.

DOUG FINLEY: I have no idea.

SUPERVISOR: Make it up.

DOUG FINLEY: Her ID was 221122.

SUPERVISOR: Alright. I have her right in front of me. As a matter of fact, somebody here wants to talk to you.

ACCOUNT REP'S YOUNG SON: Please sir, don't let him hurt us?

SUPERVISOR: Did you hear that, lady?

DOUG FINLEY: Was that a kid?

SUPERVISOR: Yeah. I've got a gun to his head. Now here's what I want from you. $400. In ones and fives. I wanted it yesterday, get it?

DOUG FINLEY: All I wanted was to get my heating bill explained to me.

SUPERVISOR: Oh, it'll be explained. I'll send you a letter. Registered mail. Real official like. All you need to tell me: Do you want it spelled out in blood or bone chips? Return to sender, baby. You just return that shit to sender.

ACCOUNT REP'S KID: Grandpa, no!

SUPERVISOR: No, kid. You're the grandpa now. #1 and everything. I can't do this anymore. I wish I'd never left the Merchant Marines. Actually, I do. Thanks for nothing, Merchant Marines.

DOUG FINLEY: Hello?
[andreimarko@hotmail.com]